Swimming?

I've never really taken much to swimming. I was never good at it. In fact, I was so shoddy at it that after not swimming for several years, I don't seem to be able to do it anymore. I don't care. I never liked it anyway. I mean, I understand the whole "beat the heat" concept but really I thought that's what central air was invented for. Swimming is primitive and if you can't do it well it just seems pointless. Hell, even if you can do it well it seems pointless. If you swim well then all there is to do is swim laps or go back and forth across the width of the pool. That's just tiring.

I can't bear swimming, it seems like I should be doing more. I get in the water and then it's like, "Okay. Now what?"

Demetri Martin has a joke where he says that it's difficult to tell the difference between swimming and not drowning. Which, of course, is rooted in truth. Swimming is keeping your head above water in order to not fill your lungs with fluid until they explode or you die of asphyxiation. Damn, I can just as easily not drown by not getting in the pool. I can sit at home and watch T.V. and not drown all day. I can sit on this blog and not drown. Actually, you guys may not realize this, but I am swimming right now. That's right, I'm sitting here, typing, not drowning, and therefore, swimming.

I can beat the heat sitting inside doing a crossword puzzle or reading a book. Do I really need to submerge myself in chemical-infested water that strangers pee in? Not to mention, I live in Alabama, June bugs regard swimming pools as their own personal lagoons.

I was talked into getting in a pool today. I got halfway in, hoisted myself onto a float and there I stayed for maybe five minutes before I was just like, "And... done."

Then I went home to wash off the gallon of sunblock and the chlorine residue. Disgusting.